An example of one of SPACE's new designs. Or it may have came off the internet. Whatever.

An example of one of SPACE’s new designs. Or it may have come off the internet. Whatever. We’re missing the Walking Dead marathon.

In a move that surprised urbanists and local architecture buffs alike, SPACE Architecture + Design Studio announced today the firm is no longer going to practice contemporary architecture. “Modernism is hard. Besides, St. Louis just doesn’t have enough vinyl siding and brick veneer fronts,” said SPACE Cadet-in-Chief Tom Niemeier. “Screw making unique buildings. We’ll just start printing off cookie-cutter plans from the internet. Everyone else does it.”

The five-time AIA Award winning firm has specialized in contemporary designs since its inception in 2005, and Niemeier is confident SPACE will continue to garner the same accolades despite the firm’s new direction. “Those judges come from out of town every year. They don’t know how we roll in St. Louis. We’re way ahead of the curve.” said Niemeier. When asked about the innovative, decidedly non-traditional work of starchitects and other thought leaders in the industry, Niemeier responded, “They’re all chumps. Hadid? Ingels? Calatrava? Clueless. I don’t know why they’re wasting time trying to inspire people and create dynamic, organically-inspired spaces that have relationships with the natural world around them. That’s soooo passé. Hear me now, believe me later.”

And all that hubbub last week about saving the Missouri Historic Tax Credit? That was just a phase. “We’ve reconsidered our position, and saving old buildings just isn’t worth it. Tear down those old pieces of crap. Screw history. If our leaders in Jeff City don’t care about a proven economic engine or the character of the cities and towns in their state, why should we?”

SPACE’s team of architects and designers has taken the news surprisingly well. Upon hearing Niemeier’s announcement this morning, they immediately adjourned to the parking lot with whatever liquor they could scrounge from the break room. “Off the record?” asked outspoken urbanist and architectural designer Jeremy Clagett. “This sucks. Pass me that bottle of tequila, will ya?”

Stay tuned for new designs of suburban tract housing, cardboard strip malls and other gawd-awful stuff.